To answer that question simply: I don’t really know anymore.
When I started this blog, I had come out of a long period of not writing. In a sense, I was missing the Muse (hence the title of the blog). I needed to write and I needed to vent. This blog was a personal outlet for me and I wrote an entry almost every day.
If you look at my first post, A Tiger Can’t Change Its Stripes, you’ll see that it was very personal.
At some point, I switched from this being a personal blog to being part of my professional online image. This narrowed down the things that I would talk about as I avoided discussing major events in my personal life. And now I’m at the point where I hardly post anything at all. That makes we wonder what is even the point of keeping my blog around.
I joined a Blogging 101 class through WordPress, and today’s assignment was to write a post talking about who I am and why I am here. In essence, why do I have this blog. The truth is, I don’t know anymore. My writing career is unfortunately on the back burner at the moment, so there isn’t much for me to promote.
Perhaps if I make this a personal blog for me to vent again, then maybe I’ll actually have something to write about.
So here is the tale of the events that have transpired since I stopped writing personal things on this blog. This is what has happened that got me to the situation that I am in now.
Almost two years ago, I was living in Alabama with my wife and our son. I was building my freelance writing career and actually had some good work coming in. My wife was serving at a restaurant. Combined, we were actually starting to save some money.
Everything was going well until I learned of my wife’s infidelity. That was not a fun night.
The house we were staying in actually belongs to my wife’s mother (the wicked witch of the West). The next day, while I’m still wrapping my head around the things that I had discovered, I found out that my wife had told her mother what had happened, and that we would all have to move back to Illinois with our respective parents.
So not only did I lose my wife, but I also lost the place I considered home for the past eight months. Double whammy.
I moved in with my parents in Illinois. She moved in with hers. Luckily, our houses are only a few blocks away. It makes it easy to see my son, Lincoln, as much as I want (typically every day).
When I had first returned, I was mopey for a long time. For a good example, read the poetry that I wrote during National Poetry Writing Month (April 2014), because that took place right after these events. Here’s a good one.
For a while, I was still trying to build my freelance writing career. But it was difficult without my wife’s income to supplement things while I got things rolling. So in July 2014, I gave in and I sold out. I got a part-time job at a retail store. It was just supposed to be a temporary thing until my writing career kicked into full swing. One and a half years later, and I’m still at this soul-sucking job, making close to minimum wage.
In November 2014, I completed NaNoWriMo. It was great to get back to creative writing and tell the stories that I wanted to tell. It got me thinking about a career as an author or a publisher. For a while after NaNoWriMo, I was still writing the first draft of my novel. In 2015, my novel was placed on the back burner while I focused on editing the anthology, Voices from the Dark. By the time the anthology was finished, I was enrolled in school.
Feeling a little stuck in my current situation (living with my mom and not earning enough money to move out), I decided that going back to school could help me find a better job. I have an associate degree, but am now working toward a bachelor’s degree in writing and publishing.
So here I am almost two years after I learned on my wife’s infidelity. The divorce is almost finalized. I’m still living with my mom (and feeling like I’m wearing out my welcome), I work part-time at a soul sucking retail store, I have to turn down potential writing clients because I’m swamped with schoolwork, and I don’t remember the last time I worked on my novel. Between work, school, and spending as much time as I can with my son, I am so stressed out. I even started smoking again, something I keep telling myself is only temporary.
The truth is, I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped, like there’s no way out of my situation. Going back to school might help me in the future, but right now it’s taking time away from searching for a new job or working on writing projects (paid or personal).
Oh, and to top it all off, as soon as I hit 30, I developed a bald spot. So I have that going for me, too.
So there you go, this is the first personal post that I have written in a long time. It feels good to vent again. Maybe I’ll keep it up. Maybe I won’t. I really don’t know. I don’t know what the point of this blog is anymore. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life anymore. I just don’t know anything anymore. The sad part is that I’m so worn down by everything that I don’t even really care anymore.
Sorry if it’s getting depressing now. Maybe that’s why I’ve shied away from personal posts. But to all my readers (if I have any left), now you know what’s going on with me. This was a very real post. Now you know my situation. A situation that I’ve been in for almost two years, and don’t know how to get out of.
Also, I hope you can see that with everything I have going on, why I haven’t been posting that often. Maybe I will post more now that I’ve re-opened this up to personal stuff. Maybe I won’t. I’ve got a lot of other things going on right now, and I’m just not sure where this blog even fits in anymore.
Anyway, sorry for venting at you. Or perhaps, thank you for reading.
That is all.